My Kids Aren't Always My "Why"

Every path into and through motherhood is unique. This is my specific journey. However you are making it happen, you are doing a great job Mama.  Motherhood is not for the faint of heart

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"But I think I'd rather be working…" 

This is perhaps the most vulnerable statement I've ever shared publicly, and it has taken a lot of time, reflection, and therapy to unravel the emotional knot in my stomach as those words first popped into my head while watching my at-the-time seven-month old. 

For those who don't know our story or haven't been close to it in a while, Marc and I brought our first son into the world on March 1, 2020.  Almost exactly one year later we learned we were pregnant with twin boys who completed our family on October 31, 2021. Three under two. It was a lot. It is still a lot, and learning to integrate my new role as mom with my already established roles of wife and career professional has been the most vulnerable journey I've ever been on. 

I think as a woman I expected becoming a mom to follow a certain narrative.  I expected to love being pregnant. I expected to feel an instant connection the second I looked into my newborn babies' eyes. I expected to struggle as my maternity leave wrapped up feeling a constant desire to be attentive to their needs 24/7. I guess I expected to instinctively know how to do motherhood in the way I had always pictured it. But, man, this just wasn't my experience. I struggled with the physical and emotional changes of pregnancy & postpartum.   I watched my amazing husband step so effortlessly into his new role as dad while I questioned my ability to do so. I felt drawn back to the things I knew I could be successful in - namely my career. For most of Owen's first year of life, I pushed all of these feelings aside. I ignored the fact that maybe motherhood was something I was going to have to learn. Then those two heartbeats showed up on the ultrasound machine, and after the utter shock wore off, the feeling that remained was one of incompetence. I felt incompetent and undeserving of the three amazing littles that chose me to be their mom. Woof. 

It was time for some deep work. I found a therapist to help me sort through my unmet expectations and the associated
feelings of guilt. I used timers to bound times of intentional "play" which so often felt
monotonous and unproductive compared to my non-mom world. I set harder boundaries around the start of my work day and focused on being present during morning routines. And guess what, I started to become more confident in my new role as Mom, and I started to view productivity through a different lens. But it wasn't until I truly sat face-to-face with the fact that my way of motherhood was going to involve using a village to care for my littles. That it was going to be lots of leftovers, pre-made birthday cakes and last-minute Halloween costumes. That it was going to be showing up to evening activities in business casual, fresh off of a day of work. It wasn't until I let myself grieve the kind of mom I thought I was supposed to be did I begin to see the beauty of the kind of mom I am. 

• I wake up at 4:15 nearly every morning to workout  --- I do this because it makes ME feel good. Because I like to feel strong ~ I hope they learn to establish healthy patterns of discipline and to care for themselves through movement

• I work hard at my professional craft and have big career goals --  because leading others and delivering with excellence makes ME feel fulfilled ~ I hope they learn that success is self-defined and more importantly that it is earned

• Marc & I create space in the chaos to spend time together -- because WE value this time and have vowed to prioritize OUR relationship ~ I hope they learn that any love worth having is worth significant investment

• I make colorful pancakes and dance to Disney music on Saturday mornings -- Well, that one is for them, but I love it just the same 

The first two years of motherhood have been two of the most transformative years of my life. These three tiny humans have changed me in the most unexpected ways.  They have made me more patient, more present and dare I say more playful. I would literally give my life for one of them and would carry all of their pain if the universe would let me. But the greatest gift of the last two years has been the realization that my ability to love them uniquely and wholly is BECAUSE of the other aspects of my life that fulfill me, not in spite of them.

My kids aren't always my "why", and that is okay ..